Everything, again, feels like it is being left down to me. The mortgage company have asked for solicitors' details, I phoned and gave them my solicitor's details. They probably need H's solicitor's details, because the transfer of the mortgaged property is going into his name, and the title to the property is going into his name. Only he hasn't got a solicitor - of course not! Why would he need one?? Much eye rolling from him about having to have one too! Wonder how long it is going to take for him to sort *that* out.

If it wasn't for me, we wouldn't be at this stage. If it wasn't for me, nothing would have happened. I am the one making things happen, and it pisses me off. I grumbled about it, and got told that everything I had done had been "from my side" - ok, I have sorted out a lot of things for my benefit, but it is for his benefit too - he is "getting rid" of me quicker because I've sorted things out. If we'd waited for him at all, we'd still be here this time next year!

The other thing that has seriously pissed me off tonight is I'm going out. To an NCT fundraising meal. Its a rarity that I do go out. He goes out EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, while I am stuck in at home on my own, bar two sleeping children. I'm being picked up at 7pm. Its now 6.10pm, and he's in the bath. I need to have a shower and wash my hair. I think it would have been fairer to let me jump in the shower before he had his bath - then I could be nearer to being ready. He's had a pop at me because I didn't buy any veg - I didn't realise we didn't have any. Ok, he's been working and got soaking wet, but that really was his choice - he didn't have to! After his bath, he's going to go and get a Chinese. I have to look after the girls, so when the hell am I going to get ready to go out?? I predict he won't be out of the bath until about 6.30pm. I said to him when he was going up to bath (at 6pm) "am I going to get the chance of a shower in all this plan, I'm being picked up in an hour", his response "plenty of time isn't it, I'm going to have a bath because I'm cold and wet". Ok, fair enough, but don't consider anyone else along the way will you?

Selfish f***ing prick - I really cannot wait to get out of this house and away from him at this moment in time. I really am going to be so much better off without him.

BTW - its now 6.20pm, no sign of him yet.........

A sticking point with the separation could be the status of "main carer" for our 2 girls. I have always been main carer (the one who gets them up in the morning, sees to them at night, spends most time with them, etc), so I naturally assumed that it would continue. The girls are moving in with me in my new house, though they will stay and see their dad for 50% of the week (as far as possible with 7 days!). He has been disputing this - why should I be main carer, not him. To me, it feels that if they were living with him, with me having visiting/access, then it is like taking them away from me - like saying I'm not good enough to care for them. He says it feels the same way to him. But I'm not denying him anything, I want him to see the girls as much as possible, in fact, I expect him to! He will probably see them more in the future than he does now.

The separation really has been his idea, I have agreed to it through lack of choice. Clearly, there is nothing left in our relationship for him, so there is no way of working through it. I feel like I don't really know him anymore. I have been feeling so guilty about things, and yet I've been nothing but fair. I could be pushing for a lot more than I have agreed to, but I won't, because the only people who really lose out are the girls.

Anyway - he has grudgingly conceded main carer to me, mainly because he knows if he pushed it, then the court would be likely to fall in my favour. Even his mother agreed with me that I should continue to be main carer!

I'm finding it very difficult to shake the feeling of guilt over all this. I know I have no reason to feel guilty - must be a female thing! I know I am being fair and reasonable - except over this. Just do not see why I should give that up.

I don't know - I didn't want any of this, and I'm being pretty much forced into it. I have done everything, and more, than I should be required to do to help sort this out. Having one of those down times, when you just want to crawl into a cave, and not come out until its all over.

I'm sure it'll work itself out. Back in work tomorrow, and I have the responsibility of sorting out the separation agreement - the bonus of working for the Legal Practice Course - solicitors on tap (for free!). But that's made all the legal advice my responsibility.......

Ho hum

Off to bed, with my Facts for Antenatal Teachers........

Ok, it wasn't small either! lol

I'm Erika, I'm 30 years old, I have 2 gorgeous girls, and a husband who doesn't want to be with me anymore, so we are separating. I don't really want all this, but I have little choice. I want my husband back, but I don't think he actually exists anymore. I have spent many, many months stuck in at home on my own, while he is in the pub. Apparently, he needs to go to the pub every night to relax, he doesn't have conversation with me, as a general rule, so no wonder home life is boring. Its pretty boring for me too - but that's not "his" problem. I am in the process of buying a house for me and the girls, while he will stay in this house, do it up a bit, then sell it. We are keeping everything amicable - as much as possible.

I'm also training to be an antenatal teacher with the NCT. I started in September 2003, and I've just finished Level 1. I go on my pre-teaching workshop this weekend coming, which will be the end of Level 1. I will have to teach 3 sets of classes as part of Level 2, as well as write essays, etc. Its a lot of work, and I'm going to be doing it as a single parent. Never thought that would happen to me.

As well as all that, I am trying to get a new venture up and running. I've been doing the business plan all of this year, and just don't seem to be able to get it finished! There is too much else going on. I probably try to take on too much. I work part time, so don't have masses of time to do these things! I will probably find I have more time once I move, because my husband will have the girls staying with him 3 nights, and I will get a couple of afternoons too. I'll probably feel more supported separated from him than I do now.

I'm going to try and use this journal to work my way through the masses of things I am trying to do, to try and reflect on my experiences and everything that is going on. I'm hoping it will help me make some sense of what is going on with my husband and I, because there isn't a great deal of sense there at the moment. I'm just getting on and dealing with things, not giving myself the opportunity to look too deeply into it.

Will have to wait and see if I keep it up. I think I probably will!