Baby Greenhouse Journal ClaireH (ttc2ler, mummy to anna 4/10) |
) has been so busy, busy doing fun stuff, going away for weekends, spending time with friends, getting very drunk and behaving very silly, generally enjoying the summer, picking ourselves back up and moving forward. We've recently found out that after almost 3years we're finally at the top of the IVF Wait list and we've got our first appt next month, feel very relaxed about it, if we wouldn't have had the operation IVF was our only chance but since we've proved that we can do it on our own i feel less stressed about the prospect of embarking on the roller-coaster, its going to give us a better chance than the chance we have on our own but if we don't get lucky then its not the end of the world as we've hit the jackpot once and we'll do it again one way or another, by hook or by crook I had a HSG last week to check that my tube was still open, which it is (yay) she did say that there's definitely some scar tissue at the end of the tube but after 3 operations that's to be expected and she said considering that, it looked very encouraging Slightly chuffed about that if you can't tell Just hope that its not too long before we get some good news, its too hard pretending I'm okay during bad days and dealing with pregnant colleagues is enough to drive me to throw myself of a high building or at least drive me to drink - admittedly the vodka usually wins - any excuse Although i fear i will probably never drink again due to far to near alcohol poisoning from working our way through an entire cocktail menu in one bar alone it did me the world off good. Just spending time with Dan and our friends and what girl doesn't like to be spoilt rotten It was like they were making a special effort due to our recent ups and downs and really wanted to rally round and make sure that the smile didn't fade from my face once and it didn't
The past month has been so strange, i can hardly believe i was even pregnant and sometimes i find it hard to relate to the fact that we actually had a miscarriage, although other times it feels far to real and the only thing i can think about, wondering when or it if will ever happen again and torturing myself counting how many weeks i should have been by now and reading posts on the Pregnancy forum from November mums and wondering if I'd be feeling the same at that stage if baby was still with us
One thing is for sure, i know that I'm surrounded by one fabulous husband, a superb and supportive family and amazing mates that really care, so I'm not doing to badly and in the meantime there's always time for another cocktail
AF has arrived today, its kinda brought things back from last month just the cramps have brought the upset back remembering how we were feeling and how bleak it all felt. We're going to start trying again this month but try not to get to optimistic about getting lucky again straight away, it took us 4years to get this far so i'm sure i can manage another couple more months wait for a second chance.
The kids were terrible, they really pushed every boundary first of all i had £40 pinched from my purse on Sunday and after lots of indignant pleas of 'we didn't do it' finally got to the bottom of it when we found a bag full of sweets and chocolates stashed in the back garden - little buggers 
Then on Wednesday i got a phone call from the headmaster at school asking me to come and pick one of them up from school as there had been an incident involving one of the dinnerladies. J had been at his worst and ended up jumping on a dinnerlady and pushing her over and then proceeded to swear at her. Had to leave work to pick him up on leaving school he decided to run away, over a main road and refused to come back, as i started chasing him (running in very unsuitable shoes) he just lost it totally, started screaming and shouting saying he wasn't coming home cos he was in trouble, he shot round the corner but luckily he ran straight into one of the classes from school coming home from the swimming baths and a teacher stopped him but when i finally caught up with him and he saw me, he just exploded screaming 'I'm not going near her, she's hurt me (its common for J to accuse people of abuse cos of his background) he was crying and trying to
run away when i went anywhere near him, at this point i was shaking and in tears myself cos i just didn't know what to do for the best, so we all ended up back at school where it was decided that J was a danger to himself and would be kept in school till he had calmed down, which wasn't till 6pm that night. So i went home, called the social worker who came down and calmed me down and talked us through the best way to deal with him when he came home. When he did come home he was back to normal, the calm after the storm and full of apologies and upset cos i was upset and at that point i really felt for him cos i know its just part of who he is and his ADHD etc. Of course we still had to discipline him and a couple of nights without a ps2 or tv in his room seemed to have the desired effect
Fast forward to the end of the week by which time we'd had two further incidents of stealing and general bouts of total and utter disregard for anyone else, its been a real eye opener and I've got even more respect for the job that my mum and dad and all other foster parents do, I'm sure its easier at times to give up than carry on at a job where you get no thanks and lots of grief
After 4 long years spent ttc we couldn't believe it when we found ourselves staring at a faint pink line, we couldn't believe that we'd finally done it, until the next day when a big fat pink line finally made us realise that this was it. That day was so amazing, it was the stuff that dreams are made of, I've been dreaming about telling our parents and how they'd react for years and on that Monday morning stood outside my parents house, bottle of champagne in hand, i can honestly say I've never been happier, 4 wonderful short days later, it was all over The Dr said that this was just a chemical pregnancy and was always going to end this way, but in just 4 days the baby had become real to me, i felt protective, no more dashing across the road instead of using the pedestrian crossing, no more alcohol, no yummy runny eggs, no more just the 2 of us, i could picture the spare room turning into a nursery, the bright jungle theme with the mamas&papas cot I'd seen in a local shop window but never thought id own, it was all so real but it was never meant to be. I'm just left feeling so sad, cheated and silly for thinking that it was ever going to end any other way. The op and recovery wasn't as bad as I expected and the ten weeks off work definitely made up for any discomfort in the first few weeks post op, I've been back at work a week and already it feels like I've never been away I'm currently on CD17 in my second FFH, were trying not to get too optimistic which isn't too difficult as I don't think its fully sunk in yet that we can actually have a baby on our own and that my AF arriving bang on schedule as it has done every month for the past three years of TTC isn't such a certainty anymore, were actually in with a chance and we can hope every month that this month could be the one that brings with it the news we've been waiting for, for the past 42 months - shit!!! has it really been that long!!! I'm due to have a HSG next month to check that the tube is still open and patent, so fingers crossed till then, heres hoping i won't get to have it done and this FFH brings with a big fat blue line and if not it'll be time to jump back on that horse and start trying again Ride'em cowboy I can't believe I've only got three days left till I finally have the operation, filled with a mixture of excitement and total fear - quite a strange mix and i must admit I'll all over the place at the moment, I must be a complete mess to live with, good job Dans used to my erratic moods, so by the next update I should know if the op has worked and if we're finally able to start making our baby Roll on Sex-mas
I had my pre-op assessment yesterday and everything is okay for surgery next week, I can't believe its come round so quick, I'm so nervous, Dan keeps telling me 'you'll be alright' which is less than helpful, I know I'll be alright but I'm frightened about how much pain I'll be in and for how long and what if they're unable to rebuild the tube, it will have all been for nothing and we'll be no better of, or he could open the tube and it makes no difference and we spend every month pining our hopes on the smallest of chances only to have our hearts broken again and again because of my broken bits I know Dans struggling as well, he doesn't know what to say to make me stop worrying and to be honest nothing could stop me worrying at this point, he wants to be the one that has to go through it rather than waiting on the sidelines and inevitably saying the wrong thing to me at the wrong time or say the right thing but I take it the wrong way - gawd, I must be a nightmare to live with at the moment, heaven help him when I enter my first ever FFH, our marriage has only been made stronger by infertility but its fertility that will probably test us the most, I've never cried when AF arrived or been disappointed cos I didn't expect anything else as there was no hope, i think I'm most frightened of hoping and believing that it will happen for us and then being proved wrong The surgeon did warn us that we only have 20% chance of getting pregnant after the op and if we do get lucky we'll have to overcome the odds of 30% of having an ectopic, please, please please let us have this chance, let it us be in the lucky 20%
We're off to Wales today to spend the weekend with Dans mum, it'll be nice to have a break and take the dogs for walks on the beach, nice and relaxing after last weeks lost weekend of drunken debauchery
Well we've just finished our first full weekend of respite foster care, it was tough, I couldn't believe how many times you can tell one child to do something and they will totally ignore you, which was frustrating but we'll get better with practice, it turned out well though and the kids even threw us a party yesterday on our last day cos they said they were going to miss us, which was nice, but it was even nicer to get home and just chill and enjoy the peace and quiet for a few hours before the weekend was over and the working week was ready to begin again
We spent Saturday looking after Mia, I wasn't sure how Dan would feel looking after such a small baby but in his own words 'It was a real treat' we bathed her, fed her, got her to sleep and although it was just for the day its really spurred me on and made me remember exactly why we're doing all this and what the upset, tears and endless waiting is all about, it was so nice to see Dan holding her with her over his shoulder winding her whilst reading the paper on Saturday morning, he just looked like any other dad. I can't wait till that's what our Saturday mornings are all about instead of recovering from another Friday night spent down the pub - although feel free to remind me of that when I haven't slept in weeks and baby is suffering from colic
We were at the hospital yesterday to speak to the consultant about the operation to rebuild my tube and he's given us the go ahead He explained that we need to be realistic about it working, the op will probably be a success in the fact that he's hopeful that the tube can be rebuilt and connected but he said there is no way of assessing the damage inside the tube and its this that could prevent conception, but we're in with a chance and that's all we've ever wanted Its a pretty big op and I'll be in hospital for a week and of work for another 6 or 7 weeks (another plus) but if it works OMG for the first time ever we're going to be able to TTC ourselves, we'll be counting the days to ov'ing and getting down to it like two sex crazed bunnies and then counting and praying the days to see if we've had any luck It may sound strange but even if we fail to get pregnant, just knowing that I've got an open and *working* (well kind of) tube is going to make me feel so much better about myself, I won't feel so broken. I'm feeling so good about things, its great to have something to focus on other than the never ending wait list for IVF
We had some great news on the hospital front, after being told that it would be at least October before we could see the consultant about having my tube reconstructed we got Dans mum on the case cos she seems to know practically everyone at the hospital, she spoke to a few people and we've got our appt on 23 August - just three weeks away, so now we've just got to keep our fingers crossed that he gives us the red light for the op - I hope so, we could do with some good news on the old TTC front especially as we're waiting for the phone call from my brother and his girlfriend to let us know when she's being induced as she's now a week overdue - I can't wait for my little niece to finally be here but as they are both only 16 its still a bitter pill to swallow and Dans finding it particularly hard to see his teenage brother in law so excited about something that he himself wants so badly- but our time will come and after reading RachelH's heartbreaking news about Andrew passing on I'm concentrating on the good things that we have in our life, namely one another and anything else is a bonus.
him that it broke her heart We had a good day though and had a good long chat about everything later that night - didn't get to bed till gone 5 in the morning but it was good to have a long chat about everything, I told Dan that I've lost the picture in my head of how its going to be when we finally have our baby, I can't imagine anymore that one day all this will
be over and we'll have a family, its a relief not to torture myself imaging what it will be like but its also frightening thinking that maybe I've got to start to accept that it will never happen, Dan reckons that maybe I just need to think of a different picture, maybe we never will have a newborn of our own that looks like his mummy or daddy but we will be family no matter how we achieve our family. He's right, when I think about adoption I can imagine a happy ending but I just don't see me ever getting pregnant - I'll have to wait and see what the consultant says at our next appt.
All in all a good weekend - shame Monday has come round so quickly, back to business as usual as another long week at work stretches out before us....
Not much happening today, on my own at work so got the chance to catch up with the gossip online Its the second night of our fostering course tonight, Dan enjoyed it so much last week, I think it made me believe that one day we will have a house full of children, even if their not our own, spent last night doing our homework for tonights session - felt like being back at school studying with my fella