and its a bugaboo geco in black and i love it - going to have a play with it later still need tons of stuff but its a start

all seems fine baby is growing and moving as he should touch wood all is well

soo cross

Everything is going well i'm growing junior is kicking even DH has felt him now.

the 20 week scan was good all is fine and the anithatists appointment afterwards was fine too, they don't see too much of a risk but as my notse have dissapeared they dont realy have the full details of my back and the surgery but they are happy for me to have an epidural if i need one and have also mentioned a different form of pain relife which can be controlled by me and is a bit like morphine, so i can ask the midwife about that next week.

work is fine DH is fine and we have almost finished the nursary just waiting for the carpet.

so all is good and at last despite the heat and hayfever i can say i am enjoying being pregnant.

One thing that has come up - literally is a possible infection in my scar, i noticed it last week and saw the dr so am on antibiotics will see what happens not reallt sure it can be an infection in a 12 year old scar though.

Weve started thinking about names not found on we both love yet only working on girls so far but the short list is

natalie

katherin

hannah

amber

phillipa

with either rose or jean as the middle name, Natali or Katherin rose being my favourites at the moment

the boys name is still Harrison but not sure about a middle name yet and would like to have an alternative just in case.

Our close firiends P&A have had baby2 Jessica Aimee very cute but are having some real jelousy issues with baby1 i'm sure they'll sort it soon though.

Bump is feeling very streached today and is deffinatly growing - still can't decide if i'm feeling movements or not but i'm sure they will become n=more obvious soon really looking forward to that point.

had a list of questions about my back problems the hip pain i'm getting, the pains when i sneeze, hayfever reliefe and the anxiety i'm getting did i get a chance to mention any of it NO.

Mentioned the anxiety - oh thats normal

Mentioned the hip pain - no comment

no chance to ask anything else i spent more time in the waiting room than in with her.

I did get to hear the heartbeat which was fab and bp and pee are ok so i shouldn't complaine but when its 5 weeks between visits it would be nice to feel i have the time to talk.

not seeing her again for 6 week now because my next scan is in 3 weeks so i don't need to see the midwife as well.

not to happy about the care at all. But if the sneezing and hip pain continue i'll try and get a GP's appointment

just a bit frustrated.

ok stop panicking H! Plan of action... to get some more prices and the costs of childminders locally there must be a way to do this there has to be.

I'm sure the cramps are normal streaching pains but would like the reassurance

grrr at me for being so feeble

the bump has definatly grown over hte weekend and i'm definatly feeling brighter.

This weekend is our best freinds little boys 4th birthday so we are going to a party so excited he is a lovely child and his mum is just 4 weeks from giving birth to number 2. it'll be nich to talk to someone in the same position, this will be the first time we have seen each other since i got PG, they kn ow they are having a girl and i'm so excited for them.

although i'm feeling better i'm worried about junior even more i've convinced myself the bump is shrinking, my boobs havn't grown and that somthing must be wrong because i havn't put on much/any weight

i know i'm being silly but i just want to cry i'm on such a short fuse even work have commented and poor Dh can't do a thing right, i am not enjoying this and just so desperatly want everything to be alright.

I know i could ring the midwife but from what i've seen of her get the feeling i would just be told to stop being silly and to pull myself together whic i guess i should do.

I'm never happy am I!

I think i need a holiday, and i need some couple time with DH but i don't suppose i'm going to get that unless i organise it - perhaps i should.

it seem ages untill my next midwife/hospital check and i think thats whats bothering me the fact that f something did go wrong who would know.

silly me!

but i've just ordered a cot bed and few bits for the nursery. The reason for odering now was the one we had seen was reduced to 99.99 from 199.99 and Dh is one hols next week so i could arrange for it to be delivered when someone would be in.

ooh excited and nurvous all at the same time now...

all bloods are clear and my iron levels make me "as strong as an ox" apparently with this cold its the last thing i feel.

the cramps i've been feeling are junior growing and my uterus coming out of the pelvis which she said she could feel.

Blood pressure fine, paracetamol ok for the cold but hayfever is best unmedicated unless i get desperate - heres hoping i don't get it too bad this year.

next appointment at 17 weeks

oh well hopefully it wont last long.

had mum here at the end of last week which was nice in some ways but she drove me mad about some things always pestering about what i should be doing. I know i should probably drink more water and eat more fruit but just eating is hard enough at times. She's so opinionated about things i know i am too but i feel like a school girl again.

I know i will need her support after the birth and that dh wants her here to help but to be honest i'm not sure if its going to work or if we will fall out because i want to do things my way.

perhaps i'll feel better about it as the weeks go by i know she has all our best interests at heart so we'll see.

got a midwife appointment on wednesday but i think everything is ok.

so happy there it was a little wriggly baby waving at us amazing.

So details so i dont for get

i'm now 10+3

EDD 06/10/06

next scan 20w 22/05/06

next consultants apointment 32w

consultant is happy for a natural birth which i'm not too sure about but should be ok however i will need to see the anethatist first to check for any problems.

Am starting to relax now i know we haven't made it to the magic 12w yet but we have seen a live baby so i have to belive now that its going to be ok.

i'm going to be a mummy i can't quite get my head around that yet but am very happy.

yet the little bit of positive thinking in the back of my head says don't worry you must be pregnant your showing for gods sake even at your most bloated you don't get that big!

i know neurvs are natural but for some reason thisafternno i'm scared.

I so hope everything will be ok - trying t o be positive about it all at the moment.

the evening sickness and tiredness is as bad as ever but if junior is ok then i don't mind.

I'm still shocked that i'm starting to show but i guess i'm so petite i should have expected it - and in a way its nice to be reminded there is something happening. Still haveing to odd nightmare about the scan but i know thats to be expected. So I'm 8+4 today or 10+4 if the dr's are right and only a couple more weeks till the scan.

feeliing hopefull at last.

But can i just go to sleep and wake up when i've got the all clear cause i'm not sure i can keep up with the hormonal highs and lows for another 3 weeks.

I just wan't everything to be ok....

i think the tirdness is the cause no matter how long i sleep for i don't feel any better.

I feel i'm messing up at work and just am so paranoid about everything

i wan't to curl up into a ball and wake up at 12 weeks to be told everything is fine and i can start blooming.

DH is trying to understand but he is so busy with his degree i don't want to whinge and disturb him but i could really do with some attention and pampering just now.

argh i'm 7 weeks pregnant i've wanted this for years i should be thrilled and happy and today i just feel sad

there must be somthing i can eat that wont make me sick and that might make me feel better but i'm buggered of i know what.

Off to try some sweet black tea...

but its made a difference i feel much more relaxed cause i don't need to hide the way i feel.

Have also told work i work for such a small company that i had to and our MD admited he knew cause when the midwife phoned last week he answered and she said exactly who she was - he is thrilled - they all are its so sweet

today is the first day where i have felt rotten not being physically sick but feel really ill - a good sign i guess

only 5 week till the scan

blood pressure fine

pee fine

scan booked for 14th March when i'll be 11 or 13 weeks dependingon who is right.

Feel a little calmer about it all now still scared about there being nothing there when the scan happens but a bit more positive - what will be will be.

we've started telling people like parents and work who are all thrilled.

just a case of keeping well and hopeing for the best now

I so wan't this baby, I keep telling my self to be positive and enjoy it but i daren't. And yes i know just how daft that sounds.

can i go to sleep and wake up at 13weeks please.

Junior if you listening - hang in there mummy and daddy really want to meet you and its only 35 weeks to go.

he was pleased for me and explained how my back might affect things and that he though i would need consultant care towards the end. He calculated my dated but of course based them on 28day cycle which makes me 7weeks today not 5 and due on 20th Sept not the 3rd Oct

am now waiting for the midwife to ring

at least the earlier dates will mean an earlier scan.

Still got my cold but i have noticed by new cleavage growing and today is the first time i have felt a little sick.

I'm sure there is much more of that to come.....

tried to get a dr's appointment not a chance, could see my own dr in 2 weeks or ring at 8am and see if i can get an on the day appointment - not impressed at all

spending the day on the sofa and will try the 8am thing in the morning

sniff

will make a dr's appointment tomorrow for a check up and see what he says - although knowing the dr's i could be ready to give birth befor i get an appointment

got to go need to pee -again.....

so positive thinking and lets get through the first 12 weeks - a bit at a time.

so i'm going to try and turn this journal into a record of thoughts feelings ect of juniors life.

not bought a test yet but fingers crossed - trying not to get too excited but am getting hopfull

will buy a test later and try tomorrow

don't know what to think - will see if AF appears tommorrow as expected and if not test again

my period is due on thursday but i just decided to pop into saindburys on the way back to the office this lunchtime and buy a test and there it is the feintist of feint lines but i can still see it after 2.5hrs so i guess its true

will test again tomorrow to make sure - will be gutted if its negative

no idea about edd's or anything as i have such a long cycle but some point around the end of september i think

still shaking

please god or whoever is listening give me streingth to stay sane till next saturday and please don't let AF come oh and please let me be pregnant

hurrah - fingers crossed

did get a strong negative iyswim on cd21 but didn't test on cd22 so could have missed it and oved early or maybe the job stress has thrown me out for this month

maybe its not a bad thing as endin up jobless and pregnant wouldn't be good

we lost albert - is death still upsets and frightens me but i hope he has finally found some peace

My father emigrated without telling me - no surprises there then Had my annual phone call this morning but was in bed and had something better to do than answer

I got a new job one of the hardest and scary decisions but so far all is going well

we decided to ttc

2006 will be a good year i've decided - positive thinking

we will get pregnant (or if we dont we'll get closer)

we will continue to be happy and healthy

we might get a new bathroom

my aims for this year are to be my best at whatever i am doing and to be happy

I don't want to test too early as be dissapointed as i don't want to let meyself belive i could be then not be - af due on sunday so will see if i can hold out till monday/tuesday to test.

so happy

going to be a busy weekend iykwim

:;

opk test on cd13 - feint line so neg

opk test on cd16 - same as above

opk test on cd20 - no line at all

so have i missed it? bit worried as we've not dtd for a few days so probable messed my chances for this month

oh well will keep testing for every couple of days for the rest of the month and see what happens

will do the first one on sunday cd13 and take it from there

fingers crossed this might be my month -

possitive thinking never did anyone any harm (lol)

poor dh is confused and doesn't seem to understand the workings of the female body and whe i told him i'd bought ov tests for next month so i could check i was actually ovulating he seemed almost upset - worried that i was making things clinical - he doesn't understand how difficult i'm finding all this as i feel so out of control - he just belives we have sex we get pregnant which would be nice and will happen i hope one day but i just need to make sure.

if it wasn't for the fact i'm so broody and so is he i would wish we had never started all this

oh well lets hope next month is easier

feeling quite down especially as sil gave birth to number 2 on wednesday

i wish i wasn't so impatient but please god or whoever can i either be obiously pregnant or can af turn up so know what is going on.

I want to test but don't really belive i am pg so will just be dissapointed. In a way i wish af would arrive or i would get some obvious symptomes then i would know what to do. At least then cycle 1 would be over and i could start looking at buying some ovulation tests so i would have a better idea of what is going on.

month 1 cd15 have no idea what my cm is doing we have had creamy for days and then i thought is was going watery but now we are back to creamy/nothing. I wish i didn't care so much ...

i must not get obsessed - repeat at will

My end of pill bleed started yeasterday so i guess well see what happens next its 10 years since i last had a natural cycle and i don't really remember what they were like not particular regular but well see. dh thinks well hit the jackpot streigh away but i'm a bit more sceptical.

only time will tell, i would so like someone to talk to abiout this but dh doesn't want me to tell anyone which i understand as we don't need any added pressure but it would be nice our best friends have just concieved their second and seem to be able to do it at the drop of a hat so im trying not to hold myself up to their record.

we'll see.

Today i officially started my new job and its a bit wierd cause i'm working from home for the next week despite the rest of the company being in offices down the road but you see i used to manage the office space so it would be a bit strange to go from on job pick up allmy stuff walk down the office and start the new one sofor the sake of apperances i'm at home.

i think the hardest thing about the job is the realisation that instead of trying for junior this september we have put it off till december but if the business doesn't take off i might be unemployed by then so it might have to be put off again - i've been broody for years and i am struggling with this but the change in job was the right thing to do just cross your fingers it all works out for the best- afterall i'm only 28 so i still have time

on another subject KIm(so called best friend) contacted me by email as though nothing has happened i've been trying to get in touchfor ages and she never returns my calls since we last communicated i experienced all the decision making about the job, 2 deaths (one suicide, one cancer), and my father emigrating without telling me (found out from my sister and when he sen't me a change of address card) so thanks for the support friend!

well better get on

This is made worse by my broodyness returning i had agreed with dh to put off ttc till xmas so we would know where i stood with my job but i'm struggeling with the wait and the thought that if the job fails then the wait will be even longer. Al this is made worse by spending time with our frieds child he is wonderful and well simply put I WANT ONE!!!

gosh this is turning into a long remble but i'm sure noone reads it so never mind,

My dad emigrates next week i'm not really bothered just a little hurt that he can't be bothered to pick up the phone and ring me - he actually visited my sister and all i got was a change of address card from his wife but then again he got remarried without telling me so why i should be surprised. All i can say is i hope he is happy.

enought for now

i've had scholiosis for years and i know they can't do anything without massive risks so its painkillers again but today we discussed the possibility of me having children and it seems its going to be difficult and painfull and i will never be ble to give birth naturally and to top all that there seems like there might be somthing wrong with my hormones - trifik

on the work front all is going well but i still don't know when my redundency period will start or when i get to leave this place so the new job is hanging around waiting

on the home front things are going well and we had a good weekend

so a bad day but things arn't all that bleak

I've lined myself up with 6months of contract work and after that who knows.

I'm a web developer and database specialist so am sure i'll always have work but its takeing the leap thats the frightening bit.

i'm happy with my decision but can't stop crying thik is just emotional release not doubt. The job i had been offered the chance to apply for wasn't what i wanted so this is the best option

oh well fingers crossed for the future