EFT was, as ever, a godsend, not to mention a relationship saver - my Personal Peace Procedure took a definite backseat as I tapped daily for skiing issues: scared of falling, scared of the chairlift, scared of hurting myself, petrified of red runs and pointing my skis downhill... The first four days of ski school were a real endurance test and I can honestly say that without EFT, I wouldn't have got through it and kept going back for more. It was a real struggle to go back on the fifth day after being 'towed' down a very steep red by my instructor the day before - even with him holding my skis and controlling our descent I was terrified and couldn't wait for the lesson to be over. Hubby was a complete star, and after finding me at the bottom of the slope tapping frantically, persuaded me to go back up the blue run several times to rebuild my confidence.

I did eventually make it to the full day instructor-led session and even got down 1 easier red completely by myself and another with a bit of guidance on the steepest part, albeit very slowly, but my instructor took pity on me when we got to the very steep red and 2 of us bypassed it completely by getting a ride down on the chairlift!

So, Arabba is also not a good resort for complete beginnners, unless their confidence for red runs builds very quickly! There were loads of lovely blue runs in the next valley at Corvara, but I had the red to contend with to get back to our resort and I just couldn't force myself to do it without the instructor there. The instructors were fantastic though, extremely patient and encouraging and I was very lucky with my ski class as well, who were also supportive and cheered me on.

I will go again but this time we'll pick a resort with lots of blue runs back to our resort, then some reds I might be able to progress to. I have known for a while that my strengths lie more in my mental agility than in my physical prowess - give me a new language to learn any day At least I was strong and fairly fit, so didn't ache too much each day and wasn't completely physically exhausted, though mental fatigue set in early through concentrating so much through daily 3 hour lessons.

Needless to say, hubby had a great time with loads of great intermediate & advanced skiing, plus some people in our chalet of the same level to go and explore with. The catered chalet was a great idea and we'd definitely do that again - all the advantage of having your own en-suite room, with someone to cook breakfast, dinner and afternoon tea - luxury! Overall, it was a great break and it was lovely to have some time together without any pressure from work or other commitments.

I have taken the next step towards being an EFT practitioner and ordered the certification exams when we got back. I'll probably submit the first one tomorrow once I've checked back on a couple of things, but the advanced one will take a bit of time since I haven't watched any of those videos yet and my head is too woolly with cold to concentrate!

Half waiting for AF to show up (due Sat) but not overly concerned if she is late and we put off our next IUI cycle until April. Feeling very relaxed about the whole baby thing at the moment and just enjoying ourselves, and focusing on how to make my therapy business work more successfully.

Bit narked with my thyroid this morning as my goitre has reduced significantly but my weight has jumped up by nearly 3 pounds. Obviously the drugs are kicking in again, or my metabolism is not working efficiently, since I have been extremely good about diet and exercise and was down to 10st 3 for several days last week. I don't feel bloated and haven't eaten brown rice or loads of carbs so not sure where the weight is but hey ho, at least I can keep an eye on it and not put any more on. Still keep doing EFT for my thyroid so hopefully it will sort itself out sooner rather than later.

I have fingernails!! That may not sound like much but for someone who has regularly chewed them all off for over 25 years, that's significant I tapped for them once several weeks ago, then assumed I needed to do it several more times since I chewed them all off about a week later. However, I noticed last week that I kept catching them on things and two tore by catching on clothes, so I had to trim and file them. This just doesn't happen!

My Personal Peace procedure is going quite well, although I only seem to manage to do one thing from my list then another 2-3 come up which I deal with instead of picking something else from the list. Since I still have over 70 things on the original list, it will take me a few months to get through them all - I'll be interested to see if I do feel differently by the end of it. I added cellulite to the list for good measure since none of the exercise, water-drinking, creams, diet, mechanical massage etc etc have shifted the last bit.

Friday 11th February 2005, 10:01am - Feeling pretty good

We're off skiing in a week's time and I'm actually really looking forward to it, which is a complete contrast to the last time. Might need to do a bit of last minute shopping though as a quick search for my ski gear has so far left me minus salopettes!

Have contacted the JR and they are sending me a prescription for my next set of iui drugs. I'm not sure whether I'm supposed to have another appointment before starting another cycle - nobody has mentioned it but I suppose I expected to have some sort of discussion about options and probability of success before having another go. The more I think about my next cycle, the more I am inclined to leave it until April. Of all the daft things to consider, I still don't want a Christmas baby!! On a slightly more practical side, I won't have my next thyroid blood test and results appointment until mid-March, plus Easter is quite likely to get in the way of insemination timing if AF is late so there are sensible reasons too

Things also went quite well at the clinic today - my thyroid test results showed that my thyroid is still over-active and it's high enough that I will have to take some medication again. However, I will take a low dose for now and see how things go with my next blood test in 5 weeks followed by the appointment a week later. My thyroid is significantly better than it was when I was first diagnosed so EFT and mantras have definitely made a difference. If I was being a purist I would give it more time without medication, but the consultant said I might struggle to get pregnant with the levels as they are, and even if I did get pregnant, the risk of miscarriage is high. So I will use EFT and mantras to help with a low dose of medication, rather than taking the high dose that the doctor would prefer me to take, and see how things go. The low medication will bring my levels down a bit without crashing them (like the high dose did initially ) so hopefully I will be able to control the rest and not put back on the stone in weight I've just lost!

My normal luteal phase is 15 days which means AF is actually due next Saturday, although the clinic did say it could turn up any time from day 10 regardless of usual cycles. So I keep telling myself that there's no point testing in the next week.

Had a good weekend starting with Laurence & Gus doing "Men in Love" on Friday night, then friends coming over for a cycle ride on Saturday - we managed a 10 mile round trip, with a pub stop-off and only 1 puncture between 4 bikes so a very relaxed trip!

After loads of phone calls, emails and completion of internet forms, I think I've finally got the stag do that the guys want so just waiting for all the deposits to come in now. Getting increasingly agitated calls from various reps trying to get me to commit to their particular package, but I can't actually tell them to go away until I've paid a deposit and got something confirmed! I've taken to leaving the answerphone on permanently...

Less than 3 weeks until we go skiing and I'm really looking forward to it. If I'm not pregnant, I'll be making the most of the snow, and if I am, I'll be reading lots of books and catching up on loads of cross-stitch so it's going to be a great break either way

Haven't really thought much about it at all over the last few days, except when people ask questions. I had a blood test this morning (to check for ovulation) and it seemed a bit remote from everything else. I don't really think I'm pregnant but then I don't really think I'm not either. It just feels like any other month though I'm a bit concerned that M is so excited. I keep trying to remind him that the success rates are not very high but he can't seem to help himself. Actually, he reminds me of how I was when we first started ttc!

Had a thyroid function blood test yesterday so back to the endocrinologist next week to get the results. Still feel fine and no real indicators of over-active thyroid. I'm losing weight steadily with a combination of diet and exercise - it's certainly not falling off without effort!!

Boarding the loft is going well and I should get it finished today, then I can start piling all the Christmas decorations back up into it. Still busy - going out tonight (Ceroc), tomorrow (stitch club) and Friday (surprise for M), then friends over for the weekend and cycling if the weather permits

Positive vibes from the fertility forum girls and EFT helped me to stay calm and relaxed throughout the procedure, and I didn't have any discomfort or cramping. I have to have a blood test done at the GP next week to confirm I have ovulated but the doctor said there was so much fertile cervical fluid that she wasn't in any real doubt that I have ovulated. So that's basically it now until either AF arrives or I do a pregnancy test on 7th Feb. Either way we've got skiing to look forward to at the end of Feb, a wedding in early March and a boat trip at Easter, not to mention birthdays and lots of friends coming round for dinner, so life is looking very busy over the next few weeks.

Glittergirl met me at the JR for a cup of tea and a chat this morning which was fab - I went to a couple of gatherings from WGUK but GG is the first person I have met up with from BGH. It's a shame I'll be missing the fertility forum gathering this weekend but maybe I can help organise one down here in the summer or autumn.

Feeling pretty positive and relaxed about the whole process - even if we have to do more cycles, I won't be stressed at the thought of going through it again.

Neither of us have really let ourselves think about tomorrow and the possible results - it just doesn't feel real. It sounds really silly but although we are going through all this in order to get pregnant, neither of us can actually visualise having a baby as a result of it. It is going to be such a shock if the IUI works and I get a blue line in a few weeks time!

Thankfully time is whizzing by at the moment, mainly because we are both so busy. I have been catching up on DIY tasks and my dad came over and helped me (well supervised) start boarding the loft. We did try to start last week but closer inspection showed I needed to put in supporting planks as the beams were a) too narrow and b) too far apart to adequately support the loft boards I had bought. So we had a second go yesterday and I managed to put in some supports and 3 boards. And broke 2 drill bits in the process. High density chip board is tough!!

Bought two more heavy duty drill bits today (and have already snapped one ) and have put down several more boards. That's the easy bit - now I have to start using the jigsaw to cut boards and planks to fit in the gaps!

Feeling very pleased with myself since I have also managed to install our broadband router in the garage which meant putting up a shelf for it to sit on, and drilling a hole in the kitchen wall to feed the phone cable through. Since that involved drilling through the back of our existing phone socket which had a solid metal back, it was quite tricky.

And I'm finally going to meet a BGH forumite! Glittergirl is meeting me at the JR tomorrow Though I daresay hubby won't be too impressed at the bee's nest and bird food I'll be coming home with

So one last dose of Puregon tonight (with a big needle as I have run out of drugs in my pen!) then the hcg tomorrow night at 11:00pm. Feels weird to think I'll have to stay up for the injection - I'm normally in bed by 10:00pm

My follicle has grown another 1.5mm so it's 16.5mm now and should be 18mm tomorrow. No more scans so I've a couple of days break before heading back up the motorway on Friday morning.

Got a busy few days ahead so no time to think about it all really - and hopefully the 2WW will go by quickly as well.

Started applying for contracting jobs again - now we've just about finished the first cycle there's no point staying off work. Even if I have to end the contract early, I'll still get a few weeks earnings under my belt to fund the next cycle - best case scenario would be me going in late a few days and keeping the job throughout the next cycle. Now I know the routine it won't be too difficult, especially if I can work from home occasionally.

Got my thyroid blood test next week with the endocrinologist the week after. I still haven't figured out what I'm going to say but maybe I'll just wing it once I find out what the test results are!

Off out to another meeting about the Foundation Degree in Alternative Therapies tonight - will be interesting to see just how many of our suggestions the college have taken on board in modifying their proposal.

So scan 4 is due tomorrow morning and then comes the decision whether to have the hcg injection tomorrow night (for procedure on Thurs) or Wed night (for procedure on Fri). I'm expecting that it will be Wed/Fri which means I won't be able to attend the funeral. Feel sad for my friend but I called her last night and she was adamant that I put treatment first, since she knows I will be thinking of her. Feel both relieved and guilty that I don't have to make a decision, but in her place I would have said the same thing

Poor H is excited but having to concentrate at work so no time really to talk on the phone.

Still struggling to get motivated to get certain things done but am going to be brave and tackle a load of phonecalls now, then a job application before heading out to B&Q.

It's quite odd, being so unemotional about it, like it's happening to someone else. It's very different from being in denial though - I can think about it quite calmly and analyse it rationally, which just doesn't happen in denial, you can't think about it at all, you just pretend it's not there.

Strangely enough, my calmness is distressing hubby a bit. He thinks I'm too calm and is getting a little worried about me - I usually get stressed quite easily when I don't feel in control of a situation and I think this 'unnatural' response is unnerving him somewhat.

So what's next? It all depends on the results of Mondays scan. If one or two follicles have developed well, we may be on schedule for insemination on Wed or Thur. If too many have continued to develop, then the cycle will probably be abandoned due to the risk of a multiple pregnancy. Also if my womb lining hasn't thickened sufficiently to be able to support a fertilised egg, there won't be any point in going ahead with insemination. It will be a real test of character if we are asked to abandon the cycle due to too many follicles - I'm not sure I have the strength of will to resist trying naturally if the clinic won't go ahead with insemination

Realistically, I'm only on day 10 of my cycle and I would normally expect to ovulate anywhere from day 14 to day 17 so I'm not overly concerned about the size of the follicles or the thickness of my endometrium. What does concern me slightly is the number of follicles that are relatively large and also the prospect that Friday might be the best day for insemination. It's my friend's husbands funeral on Friday morning and I would really like to be there for her - if we were due to have insemination on that day, I would have a very difficult choice to make. The funeral is too far away for me to have any chance of attending and having the insemination done on the same day.

On the positive side, I'm quite looking forward to having another scan on Monday to see how things are progressing. If the follicles fail to progress, or the endometrium doesn't thicken, that may give us some clues as to why I haven't been able to get pregnant (or why I had the m/c) in the past. Not sure if there's anything that can be done if follicles fail to progress (can use hormones for endometrium lining), but at least we'd know. And if the follicles/lining have developed further then that will be another step in the right direction.

Just to add to the already complicated scenario, I told hubby last night that I'd stopped taking my anti-thyroid drugs. As expected, he was not happy, but we didn't have much time to discuss it as he had a late teleconference and I went out with my stitch-club girls. I'm determined to stick to my guns though - I'm not going to take any more until I've had my blood test at the end of the month and seen the endocrinologist in early Feb.

So plans for the weekend: dentist and hygienist for both of us tomorrow (oh joy!), then eye test for hubby on Sunday. Not exactly wildly exciting, but we may manage a decent cycle ride on Sunday afternoon if the weather is good.

So we've passed the first hurdle, well two hurdles actually. I'm responding well to the drugs and both ovaries appear to be functioning well. I was a little concerned that there were 4 large follicles but apparently that is quite normal for this stage in the cycle - hopefully the two largest ones will continue to develop and the others will slow down or stop. I have another scan in two days time (Friday) to see how the follicles are progressing, then the unit will make a decision as to whether they will do the insemination on Monday (cd13) or Tuesday (which means I will have to inject hcg over the weekend) or whether to wait for a further scan on Monday and plan to inseminate on Wednesday (with the hcg injection on Monday night).

EFT is working wonders - I was quite nervous and excited this morning before going up to the unit but I tapped in the car park beforehand and was calm and relaxed in the waiting room. Got a bit nervous again whilst getting ready for the scan so managed a quick bit of discreet tapping on the KC point to relax again before the sonographer came back. I'm feeling generally quite positive that things are going as well as they possibly can at this stage, but also quite relaxed about the outcome. The odds are not really in our favour (1 in 8 success rate) but I'm not actually feeling stressed about that. I can enjoy the good news without dreading hearing bad news!

The stomach cramps yesterday were almost certainly as a result of a bug or something I ate. After having an upset tummy (but no further pain after tapping!) in the morning, things calmed down in the afternoon, and I decided to inject again in the evening. Absolutely no problems this morning, though somewhat hungry after having eaten very little yesterday!

So now it's time to get back to all those things I didn't do yesterday because I wasn't feeling very well....

Decided to phone the JR after reading the Puregon leaflet that said to contact a doctor immediately if severe abdominal pains were experienced. The lady was very helpful and sympathetic but seems to think the symptoms are more typical of a D&V bug than OHSS since the onset was very sudden and I have no bloating. I'm not to inject tonight and I should still go for my scan tomorrow if I'm well enough, though they may cancel my cycle.

Did a shortcut round of EFT tapping on the cramping and nausea which didn't seem to have any effect, so did another full round on more specific aspects of the pain and feeling sick. Didn't seem to help much but was able to drink some water. Posted on Fertility forum, then started to feel really panicky that my cycle would be cancelled so did a full round of tapping on that (and what a long and convoluted statement I used!) and am now feeling much better. The cramping has nearly gone, I only have a hint of nausea and I feel much calmer. Will do another round of tapping and get another glass of water down me, then will decide if I'm getting in the shower or going back to bed. Somehow I don't think my exercise videos are going to get a look in this morning!

Feeling a bit startled? shocked? can't quite find the word. It's one thing to have a strong emotion quickly calmed by EFT, but pain? I suppose I didn't really expect it to work but couldn't think what else to do.

OK, that's settled then. I'm going to spend a big chunk of today on my EFT course And my new website.

Which reminds me - AlisonH has done a stunning job on my new website and M has given me some excellent ideas for promoting myself and my massage business so 2005 will be the year that I get myself in gear to really sort that side of my business out properly

So the plan is now to inject for 6 days (CD2-CD8) and go for a follicle scan on Wed next week. Depending on the results, probably another scan on Fri (very slight possibility of insemination) with likelihood of insemination the following Monday. Still lots of hurdles to overcome before that point so not getting too excited, and we have decided not to tell parents yet. I'm sure they'll understand why when we tell them later on but for now I don't think I can cope with their inevitable questions, excitement and optimism when we've only got a 13% chance of success at best.

EFT with Sarah/Neroli today was great as ever. It was very funny that we worked on my fear of needles and injecting myself due to the huge-looking needle that I found when I opened the pack. It was only after the session was over that I found the real hair-thin-practically-invisible needles in the same box as the drugs... So I don't anticipate any problems at all with the first injection this evening

Still processing my thoughts and feelings after the last few days - definitely very happy that I stopped my thyroid drugs and feel very good in myself so I'm sure it was the right decision for me. Will update more in a day or so once I've had time to digest everything!

a) my body

b) ttc

c) my life and purpose in general

Probably to be expected at the start of a new year, but very confusing nonetheless.

I have several decisions to make and some of them have hit me in a kind of 'revelation' way, which doesn't make it any easier to decide what's best to do.

The first one is that now that medical help is finally imminent, I don't know how much I want a baby any more. I can see where this has come from - injections! - but at the same time, I'm not quite sure what to do next. It's crunch time. Tomorrow I am going to learn how to inject myself, find out how many drugs I will need, how much they will cost and where to get them from, and suddenly I am faced with making a real financial commitment (not to mention needle-sticking commitment!) to creating a baby. Via a process that not only might not work, it's got far more chance of not working than it has of working! And if a few rounds of this process don't work, then it's on to ever more complex procedures and drug-taking and messing around with my body /hormones /operations. And needle-sticking!

Which kind of leads onto the next decision of 'where is my life going and is that the direction I actually want to go?'

I thought I'd got all this out of the way when I finally persuaded hubby to start trying for a family. It all seemed so straightforward - have a baby, work part-time, preferably with complementary therapies, have another baby, see how home-working is going, maybe expand when kids go to school or maybe go back to more conventional employment.

Now we've had way too much time to think about what might happen if we never have children and some of the alternatives are looking more attractive without a family! Particularly as I don't function on little or no sleep.

I can't decide if this is a normal reaction to not being able to have a baby (as in, well I didn't want one anyway, so there) or a more serious contemplation of life possibly being more appealing without actually being responsible for more than me and hubby. Can't work out what to tap on for fear of making things worse, so EFT isn't helping much for this. Obviously something to talk to Sarah about tomorrow, must remember to write it down somewhere.

And what about my poor body in all this? There is obviously something going on sub-consciously (or maybe not so sub-conscious anymore, reading back the first few paragraphs!) that is causing my thyroid problems and my cycles to suddenly be irregular. Having done so well with improving my symptoms via mantras, I have added two healing mantras to my meditations since Christmas and have further reduced my thyroid medication (yes, without medical supervision or advice). It felt like the right thing to do and now it seems as though my period may be starting (last one was 22nd Nov and the one before that was 2nd Sept). I'm sure the drugs are not helping my cycles very much as they are interfering with my hormone balance (well, that is the point of the drugs after all). I was going to see how things went for another week or so and then possibly cut the dose down to the minimum possible (I'm supposed to be taking 3 pills, I'm actually taking 2, so minimum dose would be 1 a day). Last night whilst chanting healing mantras, it suddenly struck me that I should just stop taking the medication altogether and give myself a real chance to see if the mantras work. Quite a drastic step if you believe in allopathic medicine, not quite so shocking if you believe in energy medicine. Still, not a step to be taken lightly without full acceptance of possible consequences. I haven't taken my pill(s) yet today and I'm starting to think that maybe I won't.

Isn't this how some of the cancer patients have cured themselves? Trusting their bodies, eating healthily, taking time out? I know what H would say, he'd go nuts that I was even considering not taking my drugs. I can't see many (if any!) of my friends thinking it is sensible either. But I just have this nagging little voice that is telling me the doctors can't explain why this happened, they can't explain why I'm improving so quickly and they don't know what might happen longterm. Talk of radioactive iodine, operations and lifelong drugs do not really appeal but they are the only options the doctors can come up with. What about a really radical idea of a fourth option? Find the underlying energy imbalance and correct that instead.

I can't decide if I'm doing the right thing for me and my body or being really stupid and ignoring medical advice. On balance I'm inclined to think my body knows what it's doing and has been getting better and better since I started on the mantras and reducing my drugs, but is it just wishful thinking?

Pros: if I stop taking the drugs now, I will have a few weeks for my body to completely sort itself out and balance hormones etc before my next appointment with the specialist. If I've really misjudged everything, it will show up in my blood test and I can start taking the drugs again without having actually done any harm, just delayed ttc a bit longer while the drugs do their thing. If everything is balanced I will have proved my point and also will not have to worry about taking drugs during any potential pregnancy.

Cons: if I'm wrong, I will probably completely stuff up my cycles again and will have to take a higher dose of drugs to bring things back under control. I've already proved that I respond very quickly though so that shouldn't be a major disaster. Difficult to say how long it will be before we could ttc though if I don't have regular cycles. Not sure what the reactions of my doctor and endocrinologist will be if/when they learn I've not taken the drugs as prescribed. Obviously they'll be entitled to tell me I'm wasting their time, though I hope they might be a little more positive than that. I don't think my honesty would allow me to just not tell them, besides which I would want them to acknowledge that I didn't need the drugs if my hormones are regulated.

I've actually run out of time to make a decision since this looks like being Day 1 of my new cycle and I have my IUI drugs appointment tomorrow morning. So I have to decide now if I trust my body/mantras to do what they're supposed to.

Actually reading back through the whole posting makes me think that this is a form of evasion of the whole baby-making thing. This focus on 'getting better naturally' means I don't have to make a decision on 'making babies' since that will be entirely dependant on how my body responds. So if my cycles get messed up again, then we can't start IUI/IVF, if they sort themselves out then we may have more chance of conceiving without intervention and the decision is a little less forced than 'here is your opportunity to create a baby, now do it'.

Sounds to me like that's a decision made - I'm stopping my drugs as of today. I will increase the healing mantras to 600 a day (currently on 400+), will use EFT to tap for health and will continue the EFT course, will eat healthily and see what happens over the next 3 weeks before my next blood test. Oh, and start my Italian lessons since my Linguphone pack arrived this morning

Had a quiet New Year's Eve with some very good friends - played a couple of games and watched the fireworks on tv at midnight. Very civilised and unlikely to be any hangovers as a result

As I start working through the EFT course on CD, I seem to be getting more 'revelations' every time I do a round or two of tapping. Very strange but not uncomfortable! Will need to think about it a bit more before I decide what to post on here, but am definitely going to take it further.

Plans for this year include learning new alternative/ complementary therapies and getting my website online. Any more than that, I'm not prepared to commit to this early on New Year's Day

Hope everyone has a fantastic year in 2005 - because I'm determined to enjoy mine whatever happens

Preparations are well in hand for having the hordes over for Christmas Day - so thankful I changed the day for collecting the turkey to today as Waitrose was packed and I dread to think what it will be like tomorrow. What goes around comes around was beautifully demonstrated when I let a postvan out of a side street despite him then having to hold me up for a few minutes until someone let him in on the other side of the road - I was queuing to get into Waitrose car park when someone left from a parking space on the street outside and I just glided into it So I was halfway round the supermarket before the people in front of me had even got into the carpark!!

All I need now is for the snow to stay away until after Boxing Day. A white Christmas might be very pretty but I could do without everyone being snowed in at my house

Still very impressed with EFT and starting to notice knock-on effects. I have never done any tapping on weightloss or resisting temptation when it comes to food, though I did vaguely think about it after reading something on one of the websites. However, now other stuff is being cleared, I have noticed that my urges to binge on chocolate or other goodies is massively reduced. I have a box of Belgian chocolates (Guylian seashells, yummy!) and so far have had them open for 3 or 4 days. And there are still more than half of the chocolates in the box!!! This is definitely a record for me. I can go and open the box, eat one or two chocolates, close the lid and go away and not 'hear them calling me' for the rest of the day. I don't crave chocolate, I don't feel like I am resisting temptation, I just have no desire to plough through the whole box.

I went to Sainsburys today and having done loads of other shopping and got there late, it was well past lunchtime and my tummy was growling horribly. Yet I didn't buy tons of cookies, biscuits, ice-cream etc just a smoothie to keep me going and even that didn't get opened until I was in the car. And I noted with a kind of bemused detachment, that I didn't actually feel particularly tempted by any of the many goodies on display, in fact I was peculiarly repulsed by some of the more blatant 'it's Christmas, let's stuff our faces on food we wouldn't normally dream of touching' kind of advertising. Very strange but definitely very happy about it

Have now lost another 1-2 lbs of the thyroid-medication weight without really trying (down to about 45 mins exercise every other day so far this week) and that has to be another kind of record. Losing weight fairly effortlessly in the week before Christmas! Wonders will never cease

Having more thoughts about what we might actually do if we never have a family, and although hubby was upset the first time I mentioned it, we've now had a couple of good discussions about it. It's not that we've given up, just that I need to see real options, rather than making do with 'second best'. We have talked about it before but mostly in a 'I'm heartily sick of ttc' kind of way, than as a real choice that we could make.

It's actually quite liberating to think that maybe we will never be woken up 6 times in the night several nights in a row by a child who's ill or who can't sleep. We may not end up sacrificing lie-ins or exotic holidays or the freedom to just drop everything and take off for the weekend. It's not that we wouldn't willingly do all those things if we have children, just a different viewpoint for the alternatives if we don't manage to have our own family. Somehow a prospect that was unthinkable a few months ago has become workable - it's not a choice we would voluntarily make, but if that's the way it is, we have big plans!

Oh well, enough of my witterings for today. Time to tidy the spare bedroom and then marzipan the cake (now I've actually got some icing sugar to roll it out with and apricot jam to stick it on with!!)

Had another great session with Sarah today - EFT is really amazing, and I'm dealing with so much heavy-duty stuff so fast. I can't get over how much ground we covered today, even if I did end up feeling like all I was saying was "and another thing, ...and another thing..." for the best part of an hour! Some of this stuff I thought was long done and dusted with intensive psycho-therapy, so it was a bit of a shock that there was still so much raw emotion left about several issues. And how many of them were feeding back into how I feel about infertility and babies, even though I would have said initially that they were unrelated. There were even several revelations, things that I had never realised before. Quite a surprise when that big light bulb goes off so frequently in such a short space of time!

It's like therapy on acid in reverse Instead of a big high, then a crash that lasts for ages, EFT packs a big punch that knocks you down, then brings you bouncing back up at lightning speed!

After starting off this morning thinking that maybe there wouldn't be enough to talk about for a whole hour, I ended up hitting several 7 or 8's and a whopping great 10 that seemed to come out of nowhere. I couldn't speak, couldn't see for crying, definitely could barely even focus enough to think the words as Sarah said them for me, though I did manage to tap in approximately the right places along with her. Yet literally within seconds, I was calmer and more relaxed and was able to say the phrases myself and with a couple more rounds, everything just went. The links into other stuff just kept coming - every time Sarah asked "now how do you feel?" it seemed to bring up something else and we bounced back and forth in time, from the past to the present to the future and back again.

This is definitely powerful stuff. I think it's very complementary to other ways of working I have tried, which may partially be why I am getting rid of so many emotions so fast - I have done the groundwork with other therapies although I've never had results anything like as quickly or easily. Perhaps also because this is somewhat more pro-active than other things I've tried, which tend towards being passive or reactive. I'm more used to 'Wait for an experience, then here is a tool to deal with it', than 'What can we deal with now to prevent an experience with it in the future?' As a very impatient person who is also known as a control-freak, I very much like the idea of being pro-active

And that's not all. Since I was now feeling brave, I did all the phonecalls that I'd put off making this morning and got some great results.

My drugs appointment for our IUI will be the first week in January!! Oh wow, oh help, oh my word! I know I wanted to make up for some of the time lost with my thyroid playing up, but I really didn't expect to be told that I will get a run-through of the whole procedure, we can definitely go ahead with IUI instead of IVF, I will get a list of the drugs we need (either to send off to a private supplier, or possibly on prescription from our GP) and I will be shown how to inject myself. All at one appointment - eek eek!

All I need now is for my cycles to sort themselves out and we will be all systems go! I can't quite believe it and I'm excited, nervous and scared all at once (so guess what I'll be tapping on next ) so our roller-coaster is beginning. Except with EFT, I'm pretty confident it won't be anything like as traumatic as it might otherwise have been. I'm far more fascinated with the IUI process, than scared or excited about the possible results. That rather sounds like I'm in denial about the impact that IUI will have, but after today's session, I'm very confident I have a tool that will help me to get through the whole process with minimal stress, whilst still enjoying the optimism and the hope that it will actually work and we will finally get our longed-for baby. Time will tell - so watch this space! Let's see if I can remain this happy and relaxed throughout the process. A baptism of fire for EFT and us, at the same time

Maybe if hubby sees it working on me, he may even agree to try it himself. If I carry on getting such fantastic results, I'll be very interested in adding EFT to my therapies. Off to check whether IGPP have heard of it now, to see if they'll give practitioners insurance

Anyway, to get to the point: my thyroid function is still improving, my pituitary gland is now starting to work again, all my bloods are clear and healthy (had full blood count etc done) and my medication has been reduced to mainenance level - YAY!

So I have just phoned the clinic and left a message asking for my drugs appointment so we can start planning our first cycle of treatment. Bit scary but quite exciting. My GP was so impressed with my results in fact, that he thought it was possible we may even be able to reduce the drugs again at my next specialist appt in Feb. That would be so fantastic as it would greatly improve my chances of being off the drugs whilst pregnant (assuming the best case scenario of thyroid AND babies!).

Having done so much work with EFT yesterday, I half expected to have nightmares as my sub-conscious processed everything, but actually had a very good nights sleep. It got tested a bit this morning at the doctors surgery - my appointment was delayed by 45 mins and I buried my nose in a magazine. When I started reading, the surgery was practically empty; when I put the magazine down, it was full of small children!! Normally that would have sent me into a bit of a tail-spin and I would be struggling to hold back the tears, but today I just smiled at their antics round the toybox and went back to my day-dreaming. Impressive!

Currently trying to plan a skiing holiday - fitting it in around hospital appointments, hubby's night school, work commitments and other plans for early in the new year (yes, that is our order of priority - work is practically last ) is proving to be somewhat challenging but I think the break would do us good. It will be 4 years since I last went skiing (it was my first time and it was so awful I swore I'd never go back) but I'm fairly confident that I'm fit enough and agile enough to give it another go, so long as

a) I don't have the instructor from hell again

b) we go somewhere that actually IS reasonably good for beginners (and Les Arcs 1800 ISN'T, no matter what the brochure says)

c) we can meet up with a load of other people who will have a mixture of abilities in their group, rather than the coach-load of experts and 2 beginners that we had last time I went.

Tapping for various thoughts, even though I often didn't know exactly what I was tapping for, just a particular set of feelings, helped me to feel calm so quickly, I am truly amazed all over again! Normally I would expect to feel a bit low for the rest of the day but I am calm and relaxed again, just a few minutes after feeling desperately upset.

The number of triggers reminded me that my lovely pyschotherapist (not being sarcastic, btw!) had told me that it would take many years to come to terms with some of my childhood events, and that I would need to reapply some of the coping techniques I had learned, many times throughout my life. It will be interesting to see if EFT has truly removed some of those triggers, though obviously only time will tell. I certainly hadn't intended on applying EFT to some things until I was more practiced at the technique, but maybe my sub-conscious has other ideas! Gary's phrases to 'test' the EFT process can be very brutal, but I was a bit shocked that although one or two key questions did take my breath away a bit (and definitely got an emotional response), the reactions were still not nearly as big 'body blows' as I had been half-expecting (there goes my 'active logical mind' trying to disprove the technique ).

It's very hard to describe the detachment from the event that I get with EFT. It's kind of like watching from a distance, but with compassion, rather than being totally separate from the event. More like watching a home movie, than a film of someone else.

I was referred for psycho-therapy several years ago because I had got to the point where I had 'switched off' nearly all my emotions because I couldn't cope with the bad ones and couldn't separate them from the good ones. The end result was that I couldn't form lasting relationships, I was cold and detached most of the time, just 'going through the motions' even with fairly close friends, and just pushed (ok, violently shoved!) people away if they probed a bit too deep or tried too hard to help. My detachment then was a barrier between me and the world - if anything caused a crack in that barrier, all hell was let loose, literally. I have been lucky not to be charged with assault on more than one occasion and my responses to relatively minor situations have often been explosive and way out of proportion to the actual incident that triggered them.

Whilst sufficiently 'emotionally blocked', I could clinically describe past events to such a calm and rational extent (and did so to many therapists & a psychiatrist) that people thought I was 'over it' and had learned to deal with the issues and emotions surrounding the abuse, though I knew better than to expect that they wouldn't surface again. My best hope was that my violent outbursts would get more and more infrequent over time, and perhaps less intense, which to a certain extent has been true, though I know they are still there, just buried very deeply so they don't get in the way of my day-to-day life.

Now I read on Gary's site that that's not the best I can hope for - I can deal with these feelings and reactions properly and permanently, and that filled me with a confused melee of rage and hope. Who the hell does he think he is, saying therapists are wrong? But what if he's right, whispers a tiny voice in reply. Panic, panic - pause for some tapping...

OMG, what a brain dump. Maybe I'll hit delete instead of submit.

Back to this morning's session, now it's had a little time to sink in:

Thinking back, I can't quite believe how many issues we covered in such a short space of time. They were all around ttc2l but covered a whole range of associated topics, far more than I would have been able to cover in several months of therapy. Actually during my major session a few years ago, with my therapist I picked two issues and we focused on those for 6 months, with weekly hour-long sessions! And I have to remember to use the techniques that I learned, otherwise it gradually all falls apart again.

Definitely very curious to see if it lasts. I'll have to start up my private diary again so I can write them all down because I'll never remember them in a few weeks time.

And full marks to Sarah, for 'testing' the process on some aspects of ttc that I had dismissed, or perhaps sub-consciously avoided mentioning. I've had more proof than I expected today, and we'll see how tomorrow goes if I get bad or indifferent news from my GP with regards to my thyroid blood test results.

Can't decide whether to delete all this, or save it somewhere on my pc to review later, or just to submit it with the thought that people are unlikely to read my journal anyway! Actually having read it all back a few times, there's nothing there that I haven't said on BGH more than once in the past, and I have talked about it with many people who know me irl so I think I'll leave it for now. I write so frequently in my journal, it'll be at the bottom of the page very soon anyway

I was feeling a bit weird about how easy it all was, so we even did tapping on that and now I just feel very calm and accepting of it all. Blissed out

I have 101 things I will eventually try it out on, but for now I will continue to focus on ttc and all the issues around it, like pregnancy, babies and anything related such as my thyroid and fertility.

Wonder if I can persuade hubby to try it - might be a good way of avoiding iui/ivf altogether if his SA improves

Am hoping to temporarily push my weight down to 10st 6 by the weekend in order not to feel too 'blob-like' in my dress (it's a black tie do so difficult to find anything to wear to disguise my new found lumps and bumps!), though realistically I can't see that all being fat in just one week. Drinking 2+ litres of water per day is helping, I think, since I am not suffering any bloating at all unless I eat wheat or pasta.

Hubby loves my new boobs - the weight gain was good for something then and due to the pressure to 'make babies' being completely off, things are better than ever between us. Definitely a much needed respite before starting IUI next year.

Getting well prepared for the festive season - my focus is more on the Solstice than Christmas since I'm not religious but that causes so many complications with explaining to other people, that I usually just consider myself to be celebrating the Solstice a few days late, rather than protest loudly that I don't 'do' Christmas. A case of 'choosing your battles' as my mum used to say.

I take a stand on the things that are really important to me, such as not getting married in church, turning down the invitations to be Godmother and making time for my meditations every day, so celebrating mid-winter on 25th with family and friends (as well as 21st December privately) really doesn't seem to be worth making a big fuss about. Hubby just rolls his eyes at the 'Season's Greetings' cards that I insist on rather than 'Happy Christmas' but I doubt anyone else even notices...

Due for another blood test tomorrow to see how my thyroid function is progressing. My goitre has definitely reduced significantly since last month's testing, so I'm very optimistic that my dosage will be reduced again next week. Spoke to the GP at length when I went in to get my last prescription (and also did some research on the web) and it seems that getting pregnant on a slightly lower dose than I'm on now will offer minimal risk to the baby. There is also the option (if the endocrinologist won't agree to a complete stop earlier) of taking medication until Week 33 of the pregnancy, then stopping until after the birth. I cannot breast-feed whilst on the medication therefore I would be very reluctant to re-start it, but we worked out I would have been taking it for at least a year by then anyway, so it may not actually be an issue.

I am convinced that my daily positive affirmations and Sanskrit mantras are helping, though obviously my gp and endocrinologist are very skeptical, even though they can't explain my rapid improvement!

So if all goes well next week, I will call the JR early in the New Year to arrange my drugs appointment for IUI and to find out exactly what happens when, with regard to my cycles, injections, scans and dragging hubby in to perform so that as soon as we get the go-ahead from the endocrinologist in early Feb, we can start immediately.

In my far from perfect world I'd love to squeeze in our first IUI attempt in late Feb if at all possible. I'd still like to avoid a baby due at Christmas though my cycles & Easter would probably preclude such an eventuality as we would be extremely lucky to get everything timed just right to be able to try in March. Patience has never been one of my virtues so waiting until April for our first attempt is something I would prefer to avoid. My current feeling is that our first attempt will be the 'preparation' attempt - I'm really not expecting it to work first time, so I'd like to try our second attempt in April or May which hopefully will have a much better chance of succeeding. If not, our current plan is to go on to IVF rather than a third cycle of IUI though obviously that will depend on how the clinic view our results. Our consultant has already said that if we get to August (my 37th birthday), we will have reached the cut-off point for IUI and they would recommend we do IVF from then on anyway. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we don't get to August without a pregnancy, as my birthday will be our 3 year anniversary of ttc

In the meantime I am looking for new contracts for next year and am considering applying to be a part-time tutor with the OU. The foundation degree in Alternative Therapies seems to be progressing well (I was invited to be in the user consultation group) and I have been asked if I would consider being a lecturer on the course if it goes ahead in September next year. With any luck I'll be heavily pregnant and have to turn it down, but if not, it would be a great complement (& compliment!) to my massage & Reiki therapies....

Still bouncy Bagpuss

Am soooo relieved we can have at least one go at IUI before attempting IVF.

Have just phoned hubby and now have to phone MIL as I promised to let them know as soon as I had any news. Can't quite believe we might actually start treatment just after Easter. Trying not to get too excited as there are obviously no guarantees of pregnancy (only 1 in 5) but at least we can be sure that at least a few million swimmers will be in the right place at the right time!

Very bouncy Bagpuss

Slight worry in that the endocrinologist has said the dose is low enough for us to be able to go ahead with ivf but there is a risk that even the low dosage would pass through to the baby. This would then make the baby's thyroid underactive, which is treatable but a complication I could do without. Will discuss the risks further at my review in Feb. The current assessment is that I will be on the drugs for at least another year, but if I continue to respond well, perhaps they would let me stop the drugs if I got pregnant, so long as I agreed to monthly blood tests to monitor my condition. I definitely don't want to be taking the drugs at the time my baby is born as I won't be able to breastfeed.

I'm trying 'not to borrow trouble' as my nan used to say, but I can already see any pregnancy being rated as high risk, and that would negate any hope of a home water birth. Will have to investigate other options that don't include our current scuzzy NHS hospital. I was going to pay for a private midwife, maybe birth in a midwife-led unit might be an option so I could still have a chance of a water birth. Hubby would be much happier with that too so I may have to compromise

Tuesday 23rd November 2004, 05:55pm - Was hoping to post a proper update

They told me it would be a week, I left it for 12 days to be sure, and now 13 days on, they're still not in. So having phoned this morning, I have to phone again tomorrow (why, I don't know, since even if they have come in my GP won't have seen them hence they won't be in the computer system) and if I can't have them then, it will have to wait nearly another 2 weeks until I get back from my business trip to France as my GP won't be in on Thurs & Fri.

So I'm still on the slightly reduced dosage, but other than my gut feeling, have no real idea of how well I am responding to the drugs. At least my cycles are sorting themselves out as AF arrived yesterday - never thought I'd be so happy to see her

Weight gain is depressing, not helped by the fact that I'm doing a good impression of the hungry caterpillar at the moment (as in the one that just ate and ate and ate....) or maybe that should be the hungry hippo! Total gain (after losing some to start with) is now 14lbs so I feel like a blob. Everyone is being very kind and saying they can't see the difference but I can't believe that as half my trousers just don't fit - I can't even pull them up over my thighs. On the positive side though, my body fat is now up to 22.5% from 19% and I was advised that my previous body fat was on the low side and 22% was the optimum for fertility and pregnancy. So if I can just hold my weight here and not go any higher, I can live with it Not sure how long I can keep going with an hour+ per day of exercise to stabilise my weight though - I feel fit but fat at the moment

Still waiting for hubby's results to come back from the JR - came home to a message on the answering machine to call them so maybe we'll have some idea tomorrow.

Although this is a bit of a whinging entry, on the whole we're feeling pretty positive about everything - I feel so much better getting everything off my chest here rather than dumping it on hubby, hence my frequent updates. Maybe one day we'll look back and laugh about all this, but I've got a sneaking suspicion that will be a loooong way off

Friday 19th November 2004, 05:07pm - Not able to be a blood donor any more

Have been a donor ever since I was 18 and despite missing sessions occasionally through illness etc, have still managed to average about 1 donation a year.

Emailed the blood service through their website when I first went onto thyroid medication and got an email back saying so long as I was on thyroxine, donating would be fine once my dosage had been stable for 3 months but to call if I wasn't on thyroxine. Well, I'm actually on carbimazole (since I will still be on it when we get back to ttc/ fertility treatment) so I called as requested. Just found out that not only can I not donate whilst taking carbimazole, but also that I cannot donate for another 24 months after I stop taking it. So they have suspended my donations for at least 36 months, subject to review.

I'm probably being silly but if I can't give blood whilst on this medication, then how might it affect any pregnancy? Or potential breast-feeding? Arrrghhhhh!!!

Slightly grumpy about the thyroid drugs causing me to gain weight (about half a stone so far) with the prospect of gaining anything up to another stone! Not allowed to diet as hormones / metabolic rate already stuffed due to drugs though I can do additional exercise instead. Still, if we end up with our longed-for baby, it will be worth it.

Back to the GP for more thyroid drugs and results of my latest blood test next week so in and out of hospitals and doctors every week these days. Should get a bit of a break with only one more visit in Dec, then review of progress with endocrinologist early Feb.

Not so good news is that I will be on medication for at least 12-18 months, and even once the condition has been resolved, it could still (and often does) re-occur. Plus I have to add a seemingly endless round of monthly blood tests and medical checks to everything else that is going on.

Better news is that the specialist expects that the condition should be relatively stable within the next 2-3 months, so still on target for having our first iui/ivf around Easter-time.

And I have my thyroid appt on Thursday so hopefully we'll be making progress there too

Short version: I'm 36, ttc 2 years, back & forth to various NHS consultants for 1 year, actual medical help none.

Finally got local NHS fertility clinic to agree the problem was hubby's SA and told to find an ivf clinic. Gee, thanks for your help and support. Not!

After what seems like zillions of tests, finally got a date for an appt with JR in Oxford, then my thyroid decided to whizz out of control and our planned 1st ivf attempt was cancelled.

BUT ... we went along to the appointment anyway, having almost convinced ourselves that adoption was going to be our only answer (due to GP's dire gloom about my thyroid), and came out with Options!!! Wow, what a difference! Our consultant was so helpful and so positive, and for the first time, we were talking with someone who sounded like he knew what he was talking about. Hubby will have further tests, then we can either go for IUI, or IVF long protocol, depending on the results. And my thyroid is already showing signs of coming back under control.

I am due to see a specialist about my thyroid next week (GP pushed it through due to our plans for ivf) and hubby's tests will be started soon so that we will be all systems go once my thyroid is fixed. In the meantime, we are not allowed to ttc due to the drugs I am taking, so the pressure is off.

Feel fairly relaxed about the whole ttc thing at the moment. Having expected to be looking into adoption in the New Year, we now have some options, though we still have a way to go before we will actually be able to have any fertility treatment. It's been 2 steps forward, 1 step back all the way so we've kind of got used to it now.

Still staying away from the fertility forum, and only occasionally browsing since I think part of my thyroid issue was from constantly saying "when is my turn?" and feeling left out. Fans of Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life will know what I'm talking about!

So feeling pretty positive and relaxed - not really thinking too much about babies at all, and definitely not discussing it irl. We'll see how things go by Christmas