It dawned on me the other day that at the age Stephen is now, I had a 3 week old baby. I suddenly had such a rush a of guilt that I'd somehow robbed Peter of some more Mummy and Daddy time. Although he looks grown up Stephen is still a baby is so many ways, and I now wonder if Peter would not have benefitted from being able to stay a baby for a bit longer. I can't help wondering if some of his 'problems' don't come from being robbed of being a baby. He's so insecure, and constantly seeks reassurance in any new situation. Whereas Stephen is so confident and out going and relaxed. Or maybe it just could be because they have different personalities. Anyway whatever, can't help feeling a bit guilty and sorry for Peter now, and I'm glad our circumstances meant we had to wait for the bigger age gap between Stephen and Three.

AF showed up, we hadn't really been trying this cycle as I didn't really want another April baby although spring babies are fab. I didn't want to rob Peter of his April birthday, I know it sounds silly but I just want that to be special for him.

Work is making the timing difficult, moving up to day 5 this month but I'm working that night. Pointless asking anyone to swap as non of them will, so I guess we might have to be inventive Fingers crossed for a blue/pink line this month.

The folic acid is making me feel sick again, the down side of taking 5mg. Onto month 2 Anyone for a May baby?

I went to my GP, and she gave me 5mg Folic Acid with absolutely no argument. Was already to go in there and have a fight We talked a bit about my pregnancies with the boys, and the fact that I had been so aenemic (sp?) after Stephen and she wanted to do a full blood count prior to me getting pregnant again. She said I should have been on Iron tabs for at *least* six months after his birth but I was only on them for about a month and was never checked again.

Anyway it all came back okay. So I@m now taking the 5mg Folic Acid. So what's the odds for twin girls?

Due to work and general knackeredness we missed the window of opportunity this month. I'm tempted to say 'oh sod' it, especially cos I haven't ov'd yet (due to today or tomorrow). But I always said if we were going to do it then we'd do it properly!

Last night shift tonight before my holiday, and oh my goodness I need it. I'm really exhausted at the moment. So onto next month now, we always knew it would take a few months to get it right.

Working 3 nights a week is also going to make this interesting. I'm determined to be strict with myself and not dtd after the cut off day. So I not expecting to get pg for awhile to be honest. Which will be strange cos I fell pregnant with the boys first month of trying.

Also I'm not going to tell anyone until I'm 12 weeks this time, which might be interesting when I lug old people around for a living

Tuesday 28th June 2005, 05:31pm - Here we go with number three

We've been umming and arring for the best part of this year, Rog was happy with his two little men, but rightly or wrongly there is a part of me that longs for a daughter. I can't explain it, I ADORE my boys. But I would love to be a mummy to a little girl. Maybe it's cos my own relationship with my mother is flaky at best, and want to prove I can have a close relationship with another female. Maybe it's cos so many countless times when I wanted my Mum to say the 'right' thing she didn't and I want to say those things to my own daughter. And maybe it's cos I want to cuddle a little girl and tell her I love her, in the way that my mum didn't and continues not too. In a way it would be like telling myself that I am loved and cherished by my own mother.

That all said, I'm more than prepared for another little boy. In many ways it would be so much easier. We have little boys stuff, and I 'know' how to deal with little boys. And we have a name LOL.

I've read and read and read a book by Hazel Chesterman-Philips about natural sex selection. I know that alot of people poo-poo it, and also said you should be happy with what you've been blessed with, but I *am* going to try and tip the balance and I *am* not ashamed to admit it. I love love love my boys, by trying for a girl I'm not taking anything away from them at all. And if we should be lucky enough to have a girl this time, my love won't suddenly disappear or diminish for them.

So I came off the pill in January and been charting now since then. I'm ovulating around days 17-19. So for this first month we are stopping ttc around 5 days prior to ovulation. Rog has been doing all his bits, I won't embarass him by explaining them, but for a bloke who didn't even want a third baby he's been wonderfully compliant with my bizarre requests of him. I've been taking calcium and zinc supplements along with my folic acid. Bit of a sticking point there as my GP is adamant that I don't need the 5mg Folic Acid despite Rog's spina bifida. I'm seeing another GP on 11th July so hoping he will give it too me, otherwise that will be something to worry about for awhile

And so this journey begins. I'm excited, nervous and most of all impatient!